see beautiful

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 22:31:54 GMT

I'm having a rough time right now. I'm sorry I haven't been able to talk to my friends as much as I would like. I feel like I'm so busy physically and mentally that I forget to breathe. I'm extremely stressed. It's a different kind of stressed than I've ever had. It's about so many adult things. I don't even believe most people at my age worry about these kinds of things. I know I just need to breathe my I'm exhausted and ancy at the same time.

This will pass. Just one hour at a time.

Thanks for spending time with me today Vanessa.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 03:12:23 GMT

The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 16:23:33 GMT

I hate my job and I'm almost sure my job hates me. It sucks, but is completely true. I don't think many people get me. I know it's difficult to work with me at times because I call people out on bullshit and I hate coworkers that think I'll do anything for them when they act naive and stupid to get out of work. So it leaves me in a weird postition with many of them. Can't say that I blame them. But I am always there when people need to talk about their life and I am good at that no matter where I am. It sucks because 3 years back me and these people would be best friends. Always going out. Probably getting myself into a lot of trouble. Now, they'd rather not hang out or work with me it feels like. It leaves me feeling sad, and I don't think I really fit in and No One likes feeling that way. I think I need to look for a new job. :( I hate being so god damn old all the time. Old soul in a young body.

My period is making me into an emotional person.

Just tried another bank for consolidating my loans. If it doesn't go through, Brian will cosign for me through Wells Fargo. I'd rather NOT have him on my loans or anyone for that matter BUT he's already on 1 of the 2 and if I don't consolidate before my grace period is over he will still be on 1 no matter what I do. So we'll see what happens.........Story of my life.

Brian applied for another job today. I think he will get it. Hopefully it will open up more doors for him. I want him to have the things he's always wanted. Maybe this will make that possible.

I need to see how much we owe on the house. Maybe we can make a little money off it when we sell.

Downtown Atlanta looked nicer than I ever dreamed it was, but I never lost the fear that I would get shot. Not to say everyone is carrying a gun! BUT my stomach never let me think I was safe. Usually I pay careful attention to my gut feelings. I'm usually right.

Sorry that I'm writing every on my mind but I've been bottling it up a Little too long so I'm going to get it all out so I can sleep well again.

I REALLY hate it when people use me. It's like an ongoing story.

I wish I was made out of money!!

The whole family situation is very scary. I always felt like I had a crutch if anything ever went south with me. I never used it but it felt safe. Now it has crumbled. I will be there for them however I can, but it's almost too much to think about. What's the next step lawyer?

I'd like to think I had some poetic phrases deep inside me that I could write on this, but I think they have been and will continue to be lost.

Today is rough.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:53:01 GMT

I am extremely overwhelmed and tired.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 01:36:54 GMT

I have definately been on edge lately. Life is good but I feel trapped most of the time. Is this normal? Of course it is. I can't help but be in a shitty mood most of the time. Also I'm trying to get more iron in my diet. I have a tendency to get anemic if I don't watch it. So as a result I'm am tired. Any sound right now is getting on my nerves and I can't stop it from being like this.

I think I'm just stressed. Nothing new right?

On a more positive note.... I feel alive again in some good/bad way. Let's flip a coin.

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:50:31 GMT

Tired and headed to work soon. I need to straighten my hurr asap.

I hope everyone had a great 4th. I got to spend it with some family and loved every second of it.

Miss you all! Peace.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:04:49 GMT

I thought I had to work at 9:30 am today so I got up at 7am. Right at 8am I realized I didn't actually have to be into work until noon. I'm so tired and feel a little weird. I hope I sell a lot today and don't get stressed at all. yeah right! I'm always stressed!

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 00:56:51 GMT

Work has been going great. I still worry if I'm really any good at this 'sales' stuff, but I think I'm doing okay. I leave for Vegas the 25th and I am SOOOO excited!! I'm not that excited for the plane ride though. I wonder if we fly over the grand canyon? Is that a stupid question?

I've really been trying to figure myself out lately. Nothing like being thrown into a new schedule with new people to get to know. I'm beginning to realize how much I have changed from just a year ago. I hope I'm headed in the right direction. I hope I'm headed somewhere. I need to watch what I do and pay special attention to my actions and feelings. My feelings have always had the tendency to take over my actions. Bad Idea. I know myself enough to know that. So with that said...

I think a vacation and getting away from everything here is a good idea. Maybe that's all I need.

I'm so bored.
Fuck off Norton.

Oh and 'The Hangover' was a damn good movie. Fucking hilarious.

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 02:10:25 GMT

oh man I'm going to be so busy with work for the next week. I know I work through Sunday but I don't know when my next day off is. I'm sure it'll go by fast.... uhhh. I hope it does anyway!!!

Skin trade came out and I don't really have the money to spend on it. I have to save money right now. It sucks but bills come first. DAMN.

My new coworkers want me to go out Sunday night. I love how people can never quite figure me out...but I hate how I can't quite figure me out! They all they I'm so nice... toooo nice I think. And they think I'm this sweet girl who never drinks and blah blah blah. God, why are people so naive? I mean really. I think I can read people well....but it's not because I tell them what I think they are. It's because I sit back and watch. If I go out Sunday night I'm not going to drink much and I'm going to be on my best behavior. It'd be fantastic if I was my normal lush, but I REALLY don't want to embarrass myself.... sigh. okay.

um. Yeah I wish people would post more. It gets sort of boring in my own el jay world.

Wed, 27 May 2009 01:15:03 GMT

Started my new job today. Oh god I was a nervous wreck before I got there. I've been getting better at keeping the nerves at bay, but I do seriously have problems with it. It affects me far too much. I won't even explain all the ways. It's embarrassing almost.

So yeah, today was cool. Everyone was nice. I'm new at a sales and thats what scares me. It's something I know nothing about.... BUT I think it will turn out good. I hope it does anyway. Still too early to tell.

I'm to my third book in the Laurell K Hamilton, 'Meredith' series. Getting better as I go along. 'Skin Trade' comes out June 2nd for the 'Anita Blake' series. I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THAT!!! She is starting to go on book signings but nothing close just yet. I would love to go to one.

My birthday is Saturday. I will be working, but I have Sunday off so I can celebrate then. It'll be fun no matter what. I don't really care today. On my birthday I will care, but not today.

Okay I'm hungry. Brian needs to hurry home!

Peace

Tue, 19 May 2009 19:59:17 GMT

I'm at my internship right now. I'm kind of feeling defeated. Makes me sad.

I need to pick it up.

Mon, 11 May 2009 15:37:36 GMT

The next to be released for the Anita Blake series is "Skin Trade". It will be released June 2. So excited and then I will have to wait another year for the next in the series. Sucks.

I'm going to start reading Laurell K Hamiton's other series, the Meredith series. Hope it's good!
I will be reading Laurell K Hamilton for awhile. My mom gave me a whole bookbag of her books...and it's a really big bookbag!!

Brian's nephew Nick got his appendix taken out late last night. Today is his birthday. That fucking sucks.

Mon, 11 May 2009 03:11:21 GMT

I heard Louisville Tile is hiring for a showroom sales designer. I'm going in tomorrow. Maybe they will hire me? God knows I need a job and there's not a lot of them out there right now in the design field. I just wish I had more motivation and more self-confidence. I get tense and nervous and it usually makes me scared. I hate that about myself. I know I need to work on it but I still can't get over the fear.

Me and Brian were talking about starting a restaurant. We're always talking about it but what are the chances of doing it? Probably slim. I have a lot of Student Loans to pay back....

I'm tired today. I started my period and I just can't help but be grumpy and full of cuss words. I really need to watch my mouth when I'm talking to Brian sometimes. I don't say things to be mean but I don't want him to take it the wrong way. Haha. I think he's used to my mouth by now but I still don't want him taking it seriously...ever.

I got totally wasted the other night. I don't drink like that ever! So when I happen to get a lot of alcohol (WINE), in front of me I can't help but drink it down. I forget how much it takes to get me drunk since I barely drink. I practically made a fool of myself on the phone with Thomas Burgos and I bet Vanessa's girl didn't like me. Oh well. hahaha Can't always win them over. I'd be scared of my alcoholic side too. Thomas was cool about it though of course. He called me the next day to see if I was okay and to make fun of me a little. He's such a great friend. I still think I was drunk on the phone with him the next morning. Me talking to Thomas in front of Brian didn't seem to bother Brian. I mean I'm sure it kind of did, but Thomas is probably the 'realest' friend I've ever had. I've really dropped all my guy friends because of Brian's insecurities, but even I draw the line at some point. It was such a fun night with Vanessa. Singing in the car and crying like babies for no reason? ha

So I'm still nervous to go to Louisville Tile tomorrow, but I'm going to try not to get out of it. I really need a job and they don't seem to be streaming in so I have to jump while it's still hot. I wish they could bottle "SELF CONFIDENCE". haha Maybe they do and I just won't take it. I'll probably lose the fight in the end.

The cramps are coming back and I'm about 100 pages from finishing my 17 book collection of the Anita Blake series. Dammit, I knew it would end soon. I swear I drown myself in books now. Either that or watching food network. Once I finish my bachelor's in Interior Design, I want to go to culinary school, business school, and be an English major. I want my own business, I want to have formal culinary training, and I want to write a book so bad. The first two I could see, but writing a book? I never thought I'd want that. The more I read and the way I think makes me just want to do it. I want to write it, send it in, (probably through some family connections) and see if someone will publish it. What would I write about? Don't know.... But maybe I'll seriously think about it. Never know what can happen right? Right.

Okay, I'm boring and we all know it. Have a great night everyone.

Thu, 07 May 2009 16:43:46 GMT

oh my, you are so full of yourself. oh I'm grumpy.

So to start the day off with that, Ginger never called at 10 am to help me. Go figure. I know she's busy, but it's always something. I'm so sick of promises, I guess it wasn't really a so called 'promise', buuuuut don't say you'll do something and not. Don't continually schedule things and not see them out. It's about as good as lying. And I'd let it slide maybe the first.....five times, but now I'm just mad. I have a life too, with problems, with things coming up, with stuff to do or think of doing. I had to wait an hour to get in the shower. Brian's dad is sitting in the hospital right now, but hell I ain't complaining to you. Hell I'm not really complaining to anyone but my el jay. Good for me.

I want to have a graduation party when my graduation day arrives. I've been out of school but they only have graduation once a year. So I get to wait until the end of July. I want to invite Vanessa, Kesha, Crystal, Ozzy ... I'm sure there's more people in there and the Fam. It'll be fun I think. Regardless if my friends can make it or not.

Sometimes I'm scared of things, my anger is definately something that's hard to control sometimes. Not abusive haha I'm just a smart alec and grumpy. But I won't go around blaming other people for good things in my life just because I don't share it with them. It's my choice more than their's and it takes time to admit that. I keep things close to me because I had to learn to trust myself, to truly like myself most of the time, before I can spread love to others. Me and Brian are great and I am thankful for that. My family has never been closer. I miss my friends but like I said I NEEDED to fix my relationships with the people closer to me. I've always had a reluctance to rely on my family. And now that reluctance is almost gone. My mom is my best friend for once in my life. I talk to her everyday. I'm so proud of myself. I had to distance myself from friends to do it. I don't apologize for it. I don't need my friends blowing up my phone all the time. I think I talk to a friend or two once a week. I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm just weird, or maybe I'm not lonely anymore. Sometimes I feel down and need to talk and I won't hesitate. That's what it's all about. Being there when you need each other. I guess I had to move away from everyone to truly GET that. I'm trying to be positive bacause that's the only way I can be when it comes to things like this. I'm not ashamed to say I have one friend I talk to everyday and that it is my mom. And I damn sure don't make the others feel bad about it. I try to be as honest as I can and see where it goes. Sometimes I think honesty hurts other's feelings but if I can't make myself be honest then it will build and 'tommy no likey'. It's okay to be sad and need attention. We all need it and I'm not going to talk about how great my life is every second of the day and then break down and say it's all going wrong. I say how I feel, when I feel it and that gets me through. If this helps everyone else, great, if not that's okay too.

So peace, and remember the world doesn't just revolve around your feelings, communication goes both ways, and pity doesn't make someone like you anymore than they already do.

People change regardless of what is different in your life, They Just Continually Change. Get used to it. I am.

Tue, 05 May 2009 17:22:00 GMT

So I think that I am going to be in Cincinnati wed, thurs, and friday? So weird. Brian's work wants him to go up there and work for a couple of days. Crazy. So I guess I'm invited along? Free hotel, Free food. okay! Why say no? Right?

I'm really excited! I need to get my parents to watch peanut.

Oh and Happy fifth of May everyone.

Fri, 01 May 2009 18:11:42 GMT

I got a phone call this morning and was surprised to see the name Thomas on my caller ID. Oh Mr. Burgos. God I miss him. We caught up on a lot in 25 minutes. We have a tendency to dive into conversation while still saying "hi" "how have you been" "what's new?!"

Buckanaga has a baby girl. haha Wow. Me and Vanessa just had a talk about all these crazies being parents. Hope it works out with him and his girl. I'm praying he doesn't turn out to be like 'the others' haha no offense to anyone who isn't a crazy parent... um. yeah.

So yeah It was nice to talk to him. Him and me go way back. More than I think of at first.

I just did a pretty crazy ab workout a little while ago. It's raining and I can't bike ride in this weather so I just went crazy with everything else. I'm sure I'll be feeling this later... It's already starting...

Morgan's prom is tomorrow. I guess I'm doing her hair and makeup? She'll look beautiful now matter what. Since I didn't go to prom I'll kind of be sharing this memory with her. I think that's what she wanted all along, and I'm all for it. I love her and it makes me emotional thinking of her being an adult. For real. Whew.

Okay I'm done today. See ya!

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:00:16 GMT

I have closed myself off too tight from what's around me.
Now that I'm trying to crawl out of it, I find myself scared.
A fear that consumes me.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:02:57 GMT

I found some great condos off west end. haha They are not finished yet though. And... the cheapest one is 400,000. Yes people, that's five zero's. The most expensive is 1.2 million. If I had that kind of money I wouldn't be spending it on a condo in downtown Nashville. Hell no.

Taylor Swift's "Stay Beautiful" is pretty cute. And her remake of Alan Jackson's "Drive". Can't buy it but you can youtube it. Oh and her little version of Rihann's "Umbrella" on Itunes.

Okay, I felt like I had a lot to write about before but now not so much. I'm waiting for Brian to call me so I can hangout at his work and read. Billy is there and it would just be weird. haha.

I have about four different tan lines on my upper back. Fan-fucking-tastic! At least I have a little more color on me. I'm always so pale. Sometimes I think it's pretty but than again my mom just says I look sick... I don't want skin cancer so excuse me for not sitting in a tanning bed. I'd rather not. If I have a tan it better mean it was because I was outside bike riding, hiking, or doing some kind of exercise. This close to summer, fuck the tan. I need to look good in a bathing suit or no one's going to see the nice tan.

I talked to Crystal today. She didn't have a phone for a week! geez. She told me all about her week and it was Nuts! Sometimes I wish I was a little crazier. In fact, I think I would be if I wasn't engaged.

I think about the future a lot. I mean, who doesn't. Wow I'm a loser. haha okay But I do. And I think about how so many years have passed. I don't know anyone anymore. Like the real people, when so long ago we were so close. I don't know myself so I'm sure neither do any of you. I don't anyone can. If you knew yourself so well, life would be boring. No fun. I think if anyone told me that they Really new themselves I would slap them. People who say that are more fucked up than us honest ones. Haha it's okay. It makes me expected about the future. There are so many things that are going to change. And I love change.

I have too much time to think. Some things I won't even write on here in fear of offending the people who may read this. I guess that would be no one...But that's okay I have manners. No one is right or wrong. I feel so young and so old at the same time. I feel like I'm 35, and trust me, that's even possible without kids, a husband, blah blah blah.

I think I'll go read now... or do those pick 5 things on facebook. I just discovered those. I'm waaaaay behind but whatever. I always find my way. I just like being a little rebellious.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 17:44:22 GMT

Okay so I want a job in the Interior Design field. Let me know if you see or hear anything. I'm very into Networking.

I love to read. I'm really into it.

Me and Brian have been bike riding once a week. I need more than that. So we're going bike riding today hopefully. Monday we went about 5 miles. We've done more than that so I want to build up to more and more distance! haha It's makes me dizzy just thinking about it. Since I've been biking I am hungry more often. I almost look at food as energy. I don't really take the time to indulge in it. I just got some raspberry sherbet last night. About 100 calories a half a cup. THAT is my indulgance. I can't eat too much cold stuff at one time so it's perfect...and it's totally addicting. ha

My hair is getting pretty long and I love it. I'll grow it out about 5 or six more inches though. I need to get a cut and dye though very soon! It's straight right now. I love it. It doesn't take too long to straighten in anymore because the greatest hairstylist Angel cut it to be that way. He's really amazing. I suggest everyone go and see him. He does anything I want but makes it look Superb! He even made me a blonde before and I think I looked damn good.

I feel I am so close to bikini ready for Las Vegas at the end of June. But being that close makes it harder to reach the end of it. I could still lose another 15 pounds. I know this. But I'm healthy. I eat pretty good. I am always health conscience. I could drink more water. ha A lot more water. I don't drink soda except for my occasional snack of diet coke. YUM. I eat oatmeal EVERY morning. If you have not tried it than you are missing out. It's low in calories and I get the low sugar one. It fills me up and it has been the reason I have lost so much body fat. It has definately sped up my metabolism. A size six isn't exactly where I want to be but I tell you what, it's pretty damn close and i'm proud of myself for it. Especially since it has always been the smallest size I could get to. Size four, here I come. haha that's just fucking funny.

Pandora is doing a good job right now.

Oh and I really love my internship at Environments in Life. They are the greatest people and have helped me learn so much in commercial interior designing. I feel like I'm actually starting to think like a real interior designer. and what's even more funny is that no one at this firm likes picking out finishes (paint color, flooring, wallcovering, fabrics). ha! I love space planning. It is definately my thing. I got to work on an office building and a residential home yesterday. Jennifer told me they trust me and my work. I keep my lines as clean as possible and I try to think about what the client wants and what can actually work. Maybe one day they would consider hiring me, but for now I am content with what they have given me. Thanks EIL!

Fuck I am boring. Peace.

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:17:53 GMT

I've been pretty closed off lately. Not sure what that means but I actually like it. Yeah, sure, I wish I had more friends but I don't feel the same anymore. I can't trust anyone. Maybe it's supposed to be like that.

I'm pretty sure my vagina is all fucked up. I feel bad that I don't feel like I want to have sex all that much. Brian thinks it's him, Really, it's just me. Do I need to go to a doctor? I ask other girls how much they have sex with their "man" and it's about as much as me. In fact the testimonies are about the same as mine. No one has a sex drive as much as they think they should. Brian seems to think it's all bullshit and it's him. Well, I don't want to have sex all the time and I don't feel comfortable talking about this subject anymore.

Crystal is coming over tonight... I think? She doesn't want to drive the interstate, but I don't want anyone else coming over. Oh well. I said how I feel. Why do I still feel kind of bad about it? Exciting to know I can still feel bad about these things.

I have a head ache and I'm sick of dreams. Dreams don't care who you are, how old you are, who you're with, the feelings you have- towards anyone. AND frankly I'm growing sick of it. I'd much rather not have them at all compared to me feeling guilty that I would actually want some of the things to happen. SO...

Enough about to me. Still hope Crystal's coming over. I want to take her into Nashville. She needs to live a little. As do I...

As do I.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:21:10 GMT

I'm glad I have newly found some old friends. I need them more than they know. Things are always in the back of my mind but I'm not going to discuss it with you. I simply have lost trust. I can only take so much lying. It's about the most stupid shit. In fact, I feel more embarrassed about confrontation than I do keeping it to myself. So that's where I'll keep it.

I want my twilight books back. I need to read them again. I feel like I've already forgotten the story. I'm reading a new series though. It's a long series so I can't go through it in less than a week. I got my free Edward Cullen skin it in the mail yesterday. I'm almost over the phenomenon.

I need to finish weed eating the yard.
Brian's background information needed for his hazmat commercial driver's license went through!! We're going today probably to get his new license. Fun. Hopefully he'll get a raise soon and we can start saving to get out of this place.

I feel the need to be more independent. Weird but very very true.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:41:27 GMT

I need a tan really bad.
I'm so tired today even though I slept in until 11 in the A.M.
I had a pretty good weekend.
I read a whole book between last night and this morning.
I need another one so I may need to go to the bookstore tonight after dinner with brian.

Oh well, I need some more sleep, a job, and another good book. Maybe a movie rental.

I love my dog.

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:36:13 GMT

I'm singing again. I don't sound half bad when I really think about pitch. Maybe I'll become famous someday, still living in a rundown apartment, with peanut, alone probably. That's not half-bad if you ask me.

I did crunches and I want to punch myself everytime I try. I hate them! But I need to work on my abdomen. WTF.
I went bike riding a lot yesterday. My fucking ass and crotch hurt. That's the only bad thing about a bike. I'll get used to it... maybe? who knows?

I feel really alone. I can't seem to act happy, much less fake it. I hate myself for this and for not being able to figure my life out.

ald;ktjk;;;;iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 01:59:41 GMT

Hm...
I should write more often but most of the times the words can't translate to text.

I went to Clarksville today to help my dad move some furniture. I stopped by Crystal's and had a lot of fun. She's cool and it was nice to have a little girl time with someone.

I'm fet up with so many people in my life. I feel like I'm not myself anymore, whatever I think I am really. I'm just not happy here. I don't know how to fix that and I can't see myself being the way I want to be in the future. I don't know what to do.

sigh.
Okay I'm going to go watch Rachel Getting Married. Hope it's good and gets my mind of things.

I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and try to get it all out.

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:08:57 GMT

omg i miss dancing.